Twists and Braids for Idiots

See if you can spot the difference.

Maybe this one is a better illustration.

My point is, Makeda has hair. I do not. I've never had hair. My mum kept a bow stuck to my head until I was two, just to make sure people knew I was a girl. I grew up on bad perms and a curling iron, switching later to a high volumizing blowdryer.

So, I've been putting off the baby haircare. Sure, I've put in a few colourful elastics and I can fluff her hair into a pretty funky afro, but as Makeda's hair has gotten longer, I've put off the inevitable and let Tessie carry the burden. All the good hair you've seen on this blog is courtesy of nanny Tessie. And, to be fair, I don't have much practice time. Makeda is exclusively mine on Saturdays and Sundays. Weeknights aren't really conducive to sitting in front of Dora, practicing on hair. It's our playtime. And weekends, I can pretty easily think up stuff I'd rather have us do.

But, much like dealing with my math phobia, it got to the point where I realized I had to face the fact that I was parenting an African child, and just deal with it. Gramma "helped" by ordering everything under the sun that I could ever need, from Shuruba. Beaders, beads, stoppers, applicable hair goo, you name it, I got it. So, Sundays have become hairday until I get the hang of this.

Shuruba has some great video clips to teach you the basics. I knew instinctively that this would not be enough. Gramma went back to try and order a DVD. No such luck. I was stuck with the clips. Which are good. If you're normal. But, if you're both hair challenged, and you operate in my world (aka, the idiot zone), there's not enough info.

So, I'm here today to give you pasty white girls the tips that no one else would think to give you, because they are not stupid.

Firstly, buy the Curly Frizz Pudding. It really works so any idiot can smooth out a clump of baby hair and start twisting. Unfortunately, more is not better. When you can no longer operate the beader with your hands, and are resorting to your teeth, because you can't get a grip on the slippery hair, you've gone too far.

Secondly, put the beads on the beader before you start twisting. I believe this was recommended in the video, but it needed to be said more than once. Nothing kills your enthusiasm faster than getting to the end of the perfect twist only to have to use your elbow and teeth to string the beader.

Lastly (and I swear you will not find this tip anywhere else, because no one else on the internet lacks enough dignity to 'fess up) - while I strongly recommend using your teeth to close the bead snaps so you don't lose your grip on your twists, make sure you... you guessed it... get your tongue out of the way first. That hurt people. It really hurt. I've not been in that situation since growing up North and sticking my tongue against a playground post, just to see if it was really true. But at least a pole doesn't move. Try being attached to a moving two year old.

This is the result. Not beautiful, I'll admit, but for me, quite the feat, and therefore worth the kodak moment.